The Role of Video Games in Promoting Violence and Aggression essay
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Chankit_Pongdhana_20285191(
draft).docx
by Chankit PONGDHANA
Submission date: 27-Dec-2020 12:56PM (UTC+0800)
Submission ID: 1481418738
File name: 7491_Chankit_PONGDHANA_Chankit_Pongdhana_20285191_draft__57481_1345176781.docx
(31.15K)
Word count: 1862
Character count: 10532
1
Rubric? Cover page?
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012
e
t
a
l., 14
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et al.
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et al.
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25
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2
830
e
t
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l. 3
2
3
3
3
4
3
5
36
37
38
39
40
22%
SIMILARITY INDEX
17%
INTERNET SOURCES
14%
PUBLICATIONS
21%
STUDENT PAPERS
1 7%
2 2%
3 2%
4 1%
5 1%
6 1%
7 1%
8 1%
9 1%
Chankit_Pongdhana_20285191(draft).docx
ORIGINALITY REPORT
PRIMARY SOURCES
Submitted to Curtin University of Technology
Student Paper
Submitted to Kingston University
Student Paper
Submitted to Study Group Australia
Student Paper
peacecounseling.org
Internet Source
repository.nie.edu.sg
Internet Source
Submitted to Curtin International College
Student Paper
www.dline.info
Internet Source
Submitted to University of Cumbria
Student Paper
JiaYu Li, Qian Du, Xuemei Gao. “Adolescent
Aggression and Violent Video Games: The role
10 1%
11 <1%
12 <1%
13 <1%
14 <1%
Exclude quotes Off Exclude matches Off
of moral disengagement and parental rearing
patterns”
, Children and Youth Services Review,
2020
Publication
Submitted to Unizin, LLC
Student Paper
espace.curtin.edu.au
Internet Source
Christopher J. Ferguson, Allen Copenhaver,
Patrick Markey. “Reexamining the Findings of
the American Psychological Association’s 2015
Task Force on Violent Media: A Meta-Analysis”
,
Perspectives on Psychological Science, 2020
Publication
Daniel L. King, Samuel R. Chamberlain,
Natacha Carragher, Joel Billieux et al.
“Screening and assessment tools for gaming
disorder: A comprehensive systematic review”
,
Clinical Psychology Review, 2020
Publication
Watson, Neil V.. “The Mind’s Machine 3rd
Edition with Sylvius 4”
, Oxford University Press
Publication
Exclude bibliography Off
FINAL GRADE
/30
Chankit_Pongdhana_20285191(draft).docx
GRADEMARK REPORT
GENERAL COMMENTS
Instructor
Changkit
You have not written your essay according to the
structure taught in class.
Your introduction paragraph needs to introduce the
topic and contextual background of the topic for your
essay. You need to use a funnel style of writing – from
the broad overview to gradually focusing into the
specifics and then ending your introduction with your
thesis statement – your assertion of your claim about
the topic and a brief overview of the three reasons
you’ll be discussing in the body paragraphs.
Your body paragraphs need to be aligned to your
thesis statement. Because your thesis statement is
almost non-existent, your body paragraphs are rather
directionless, and lack a focal point.
You seem to have what looks like an introduction
paragraph, followed by one body paragraph with two
underdeveloped supporting ideas, and then what
seems like an allusion to a concessive argument
paragraph. This was followed by a section header –
Brain Booster – which I assume is what you intended to
be your first body paragraph. Then a second section
header – Improved Life Skills – which I assume is what
you intended to be your second body paragraph. Then
another section header – Counter argument… – which I
assume is supposed to be your concessive argument.
Then your conclusion.
So all in all, what you have is probably just two
supporting ideas, and one under-developed concessive
paragraph, where the concessive argument is rather
unclear and unrelated to your argument.
You tend to use China as an example, but it may not be
a very relevant example for point you’re trying to
illustrate. Also, your discussions are at a very abstract /
general level.
Numerous in-text citation and referencing errors noted.
Do edit your work carefully for clarity, spelling errors,
and awkward phrasing.
You need to remember to insert the assignment rubric
and cover page.
Total = 1.67/5 = 10/30
:Late penalty (4 days) = 5% + 10% + 10% + 10% =
35% = 10.5/30
Final mark = 10 – 10.5 = 0/30
PAGE 1
Comment 1 | Format
Need to insert rubric and cover page.
Text Comment. Rubric? Cover page?
Comment 2
What ideology are you referring to? Inappropriate term to use here.
Comment 3 | Argument
This is where your thesis statement is supposed to go.
You need to state your claim about this topic, and the three reasons why you came to hold this
belief.
Argument / position you’re taking in this essay is unclear.
Comment 4 | Conventions
Evidence? Source? In-text citation?
Comment 5 | Conventions
This topic sentence of the first body paragraph needs to introduce the first supporting idea of your
thesis statement which aimed at substantiating your claim/argument.
Comment 6 | Referencing
Evidence? Source? In-text citation?
Comment 7 | Conventions
Here, it seems you’re discussing a different idea. If so, this idea doesn’t belong to this paragraph. It
needs to be discussed in a separate paragraph.
Comment 8 | Conventions
Is this your concessive argument?
You have so far sort of alluded to one, maybe two, supporting ideas. But you have not developed
your discussion around any of the ideas.
PAGE 2
Comment 9 | Referencing
Which paper? Source? In-text citation?
Comment 10
Do not use section headers in argumentative essays.
Strikethrough.
Comment 12 | Conventions
This elaboration needs to be grouped with your suggestion above about the link between learning
and video games. You should move that sentence down to this paragraph as it should be discussed
as a separate paragraph.
You need to carefully delineate the supporting ideas for your thesis statement, and to discuss them
separately in their own paragraph. Discussing two different ideas in one paragraph makes it very
confusing, and you’re unable to elaborate on the idea and show how it supports your thesis.
Text Comment. et al.,
Strikethrough.
Comment 14 | Referencing
???
PAGE 3
Comment 15 | Referencing
??
Comment 16 | Conventions
Do not use section headers in an argumentative essay.
Strikethrough.
Comment 18
??? What do you mean by this?
Discrimination in what sense? Racial discrimination? Social class? Gender? Sexuality? Age?
Comment 19
?? You seem to be basing this assertion on some assumption.
Text Comment. et al.
Strikethrough.
PAGE 4
Comment 21
?? How does this relate to your topic?
Text Comment. et al.
Strikethrough.
Comment 23 | Conventions
Do not use section header in argumentative essays.
Strikethrough.
Comment 25
What is your concessive argument? You need to introduce the concessive argument in the topic
sentence – not provide a long, meandering preamble that doesn’t provide your readers with any clue
as to what this counter-argument is.
Also, why do you keep using China as an example? It doesn’t seem to be a very appropriate
example for all the paragraphs. Or at least, you haven’t shown anything particularly spectacular
about China’s video game environment that is related or relevant to the point you’re making.
Also, are you sure that China doesn’t welcome video gaming? In fact it has one of the largest gaming
industry in Asia.
Comment 26 | Conventions
How is this relevant as a supporting idea for the concessive argument?
Comment 27
What ideology are you referring to here? It’s unclear.
PAGE 5
Comment 28
??
Strikethrough.
Comment 30
How is this relevant? What point are you making here?
Text Comment. et al.
Strikethrough.
Comment 32
?? deemed?
Comment 33
?? conclusion?
Comment 34
??? what do you mean by this?
Comment 35
Which paper? Your conclusion should not be citing any articles or authors.
PAGE 6
Comment 36
Do not introduce anything that would undermine the strength of your position in the conclusion.
PAGE 7
Comment 37 | Referencing
Numerous APA errors noted. Please review the APA 7th ed style guide on Moodle for the correct
format and style.
Comment 38
???
Comment 39 | Referencing
Full name of journal?
PAGE 8
Comment 40 | Referencing
Incomplete
PAGE 9
RUBRIC: APCOMS ASSESSMENT 2: ARG.ESSAY
TEXT RANGE (16%)
NEEDS WORK
(1)
GETTING THERE
(2)
COMPETENT
(3)
STRONG
(4)
EXCEPTIONAL
(5)
ARGUMENT (16%)
NEEDS WORK
(1)
GETTING THERE
(2)
COMPETENT
(3)
STRONG
(4)
EXCEPTIONAL
(5)
APP. RESEARCH (16%)
NEEDS WORK
(1)
GETTING THERE
(2)
COMPETENT
(3)
STRONG
(4)
1.67 / 5
2 / 5
Less than five scholarly texts cited; or texts are inappropriate or limited in range. Does not
include three articles from databases.
Five texts cited, but not all are appropriate, or they come from a limited range of sources.
Includes three articles from databases.
At least five appropriate texts cited, including three articles from databases.
At least five appropriate texts cited, including three articles from databases. These show a
limited range of sources, and points of view.
At least five appropriate texts cited, including three articles from databases. These show a
good range of sources, and points of view.
1 / 5
No clear argument, and illogical structure of ideas.
Argument is present, though not developed (thesis statement may be unclear).
Paragraphs generally sensible, though may not link to each other and to thesis statement.
Clear thesis statement developed through well-structured paragraphs.
Clear thesis statement developed through well-structured paragraphs. Concessive
argument is present although may be unclear, not well supported or not link well to the
thesis statement.
Clear and sophisticated thesis statement developed thoroughly through well-structured
paragraphs. Includes s clear well supported concessive argument.
2 / 5
Research not used at all or does not relate to argument.
Research establishes background or facts but does not support argument.
Research supports argument in logical ways.
Research supports argument in logical ways. Some evidence begins to extend the overall
argument.
EXCEPTIONAL
(5)
REFERENCING (16%)
NEEDS WORK
(1)
GETTING THERE
(2)
COMPETENT
(3)
STRONG
(4)
EXCEPTIONAL
(5)
CONVENTIONS (16%)
NEEDS WORK
(1)
GETTING THERE
(2)
COMPETENT
(3)
STRONG
(4)
EXCEPTIONAL
(5)
ENGLISH (16%)
NEEDS WORK
(1)
GETTING THERE
(2)
COMPETENT
(3)
Research applied well to support and extend overall argument.
2 / 5
Shows no understanding of this system. Does not include in-text citations and/or
reference list, or there is no connection between them.
Includes some in-text citations and a reference list, which relate to each other; but they
are incomplete, or they are incorrectly set out.
Includes correct in-text citations and a reference list, which relate to each other; but some
citations may be missing, or the reference list may have mistakes.
Includes all appropriate citations and a complete reference list. May include some minor
mistakes.
Includes all appropriate citations and a complete reference list, all of which are correct.
1 / 5
Thesis statement not clear; introduction and conclusion inadequate; and paragraphs
poorly structured and poorly connected to each other.
Essay conventions (thesis statement, introduction and conclusion, paragraphing)
competent but weaknesses in some of these (see tutor comments for details).
Essay conventions (thesis statement, introduction and conclusion, paragraphing)
competent (see tutor comments for details). Concessional paragraph may be developing.
Essay conventions (thesis statement, introduction and conclusion, paragraphing,
concessional paragraph) competent (see tutor comments for details).
Essay conventions (thesis statement, introduction and conclusion, paragraphing) all highly
competent and convincing.
2 / 5
Written English is unclear, has many mistakes, or is very informal. (See tutor comments
for details.)
Written English is clear but contains some mistakes, some overly complex expression, or
some informal phrasing that cause some difficulty for the reader. (See tutor comments for
details.)
Written English is clear. There may be some mistakes, some overly complex expression,
or some informal phrasing but this does not cause any difficulty for the reader. (See tutor
comments for details.)
STRONG
(4)
EXCEPTIONAL
(5)
FORMAT (0%)
NEEDS WORK
(1)
GETTING THERE
(2)
COMPETENT
(3)
STRONG
(4)
EXCEPTIONAL
(5)
BRIEF (0%)
NEEDS WORK
(1)
GETTING THERE
(2)
COMPETENT
(3)
STRONG
(4)
EXCEPTIONAL
(5)
Written English is clear and correct.
Written English is clear, correct, formal and elegant.
1 / 5
Formatting does not follow guidelines; and online submission has been poorly handled.
Formatting may have some errors, or problems in online submission.
Formatting guidelines satisfactorily followed, and online submission handled correctly and
on time.
Formatting and online submission are all accurate and handled correctly and on time.
N/A
1 / 5
Assignment brief not followed at all.
Assignment brief followed for the most part, but some problems.
Assignment brief followed.
Assignment brief followed accurately and in detail.
N/A
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